


As Tomorrow Changes To Yesterday

by EvilPlanCaptain



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: F/F, F/M, Half of the dan is trans and that's my contribution to the fandom, Hurt/Comfort, Other than that it's fairly close to canon, TRANS ANGST, There are dashes of fluff as well but that's not what we're here for, Trans, Trans Character, with a side-serving of internalised transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25905787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilPlanCaptain/pseuds/EvilPlanCaptain
Summary: A few thousand words of unadulterated trans angst, projected onto half of the members of the dan! The current Yuukei Quartet arc is finished, but I've got Big Plans for the rest of the crew.Shintaro took a deep sip of uncomfortably warm cola. It’s ok cola, even warm I still love you.“What does that pink, blue, and white flag that you used to have in your handle mean?”And promptly spat it into the air.(cw: suicide, transphobia)
Relationships: Enomoto Takane | Ene & Kisaragi Shintaro, Enomoto Takane | Ene/Kokonose Haruka | Konoha, Kido Tsubomi/Kisaragi Momo, Kisaragi Shintaro/Cola, Kisaragi Shintaro/Tateyama Ayano
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Transparent Secrets

_ Ugh, did the sun have to be so bright all the time? _

Shintaro squinted through the blinding light to see a girl in pigtails sprawled out over a picnic blanket.

“Playing games by yourself during lunch? I didn’t realise you were so lonely, Takane”

“Shut it, jerk”,  _ there it was, her trademark glare _ . “Haruka’s off buying out the cafeteria. What’s your excuse? Ayano get tired of following you around?”

“Who knows, we’re not attached at the hip or anything.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the problem.”

“Takane what the fuck?!?”

“I’m just saying, both of you seem pretty fed up with waiting for the other to make a move”

“It’s not that easy! You of all people should know that. Or what, have you finally told Haruka your terrible secret?”

“That’s different! Ayano already knows about you, and she’s  _ clearly _ cool with it.”

“There’s a huge difference between being cool with something, and just not actively being an asshole about it! I know you know that, because otherwise you and Haruka would’ve done something more than hold hands by now”

“Fucking ow, low blow man. But listen here punk, just because I’m a hypocrite doesn’t mean I’m not right”

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“It means we’re both cowards, but I’m not gonna stop giving you fantastic advice”

“I hate you so much”

“Hate you too, pal.”

******************************

_ “ROAD ROLLER DA! Muda muda muda muda muda muda!” _

_ PERFECT _

“How are you so good at this?!? I thought you didn’t play games!”

It had been a clean sweep by Ayano so far, Shintaro was lucky to get a single hit in.

“Hehe~ What can I say, I’ve got great training partners! It’s good practice when they can make parts of the game disappear, or change entirely, or read your mind…”

“Who on earth are you practicing with?”

“Nobody! It’s nothing! Nevermind! Anyway, it’s about time for a break!”

“Hey, leaving on a victory is no fair!”

Ayano stood up from the floor, and offered Shintaro a hand.

“Don’t worry, I’ll play with you again afterwards, ok?”

“Sure, I suppose it’s about time to check on those two anyway”

“WE CAN HEAR YOU Y’KNOW”

Takane was glaring at him from the sofa, though she was almost obscured behind her pile of textbooks

“Oh sorry, I couldn’t see you over how much work you had left.”

“Whatever! You’re just jealous that I beat your Dead And Seek high score.”

“Now now, Takane, Shintaro’s helping us! We shouldn’t pick on him too much”, Haruka gave a heart-warming smile from his own fortress of books, next to Takane. He had bags under his eyes, which had quickly become his default state. Who could’ve led him down such a horrible path of sleep deprivation and video games? Takane.

“I figured a certain someone with uneven pigtails-”

“Hey!”

“-would’ve skipped all her summer homework, but you too Haruka?”

“Haha, what can I say? I have to train a lot to get good enough to play with you and Takane!”

“Haruka he was being snarky, you don’t have to be so nice to the twerp”

“Oh really? Thanks for the tip, I guess I need to practice my ‘snark’, too. That reminds me! I had a question about that old thread of game advice that you sent me”

Shintaro took a deep sip of uncomfortably warm cola.  _ It’s ok cola, even warm I still love you _ .

“What does that pink, blue, and white flag that you used to have in your handle mean?”

And promptly spat it into the air.

“UHHHHHH”

“UHHHHHH”

Shintaro and Takane locked eyes, and in that moment their thoughts were one

_ How the fuck do we bluff our way out of this one _

Ayano perked up at an opportunity to enter the conversation. “Oh, I know that one! It means tra-”

Shintaro’s hand clamped over her mouth at the speed of light.

“HAHA HEY AYANO, LET’S GO MAKE SOME TEA OR SOMETHING. RIGHT NOW. OKAY? OKAY.”

_ Sorry Takane, this is all that I can do. Fight on, partner. _

They exchanged an imperceptible nod as Shintaro dragged Ayano off towards the kitchen

“Alright, I think we’re out of earshot. Phew, that was a close one.”

“Um, Shintaro, I get that I was about to say something I shouldn’t have, but I, um, think it’s fine to… let go… now”

_ Was she always this red? Let go? Oh, my arms arE STILL HUGGING AYANO OH FUCK _

“Oh! Haha! Sorry! I! Um! I just! Haruka doesn’t now yet! And! I panicked!”

Both of them locked eyes, to their ears, until they burst out laughing.

_ Hahaha! Let’s just pretend that tension didn’t happen. As if I could ever forget it holy fuck. _

“Still, it’s rare to see you this flustered, you really do care about Takane don’t you?”

“Care is a strong word. I just, I can empathise. We’ve gotta look out for each other.”

“I’m jealous”

Both of their eyes went wide.  _ Wait, you’re the one that said it, why are you acting all surprised?!? _

“It’s not really something to be jealous of”

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean-”

“Besides, you’re in on it too now, right? We’ve all gotta work together to help her keep it secret, until she’s ready at least.”

_ Aaaaa her smiles are gonna kill me one day _

“Thank you, Shintaro. Not just for saying that, I mean! But all of this, coming over today. It really helped.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, sure, no problem”  _ smooth _ “If you want, we could even make it like, a yearly thing?”

“It’s a promise! Let’s all get together again”, she held out her pinky, “Every August 15th.”


	2. Untranslatable Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did somebody say 👏 Self 👏 Esteem 👏 Issues? 👏
> 
> Shintaro's part of the Yuukei Quartet Arc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Internalised transphobia

Shintaro was waiting in front of the door to the roof. He wasn’t nervous or anything, he just wanted a second to collect his thoughts. They were kinda all over the place. 

_ Come on, it can’t be that bad right? Somone would only call you to the roof for a good reason right?  _

_ Oh god what if she wants to tell me how ‘brave’ I am.  _

_ Hey look, it’s not the best, but you can work with that! There are way worse things that could happen! Like, what if she wants to tell you to stop hanging out with her all the time? Or what if it’s all some big elaborate prank? _

_ Not helping! _

Shintaro looked down at the letter clutched in his hand. Yesterday it had carefully folded into a crane, but now it was covered in creases, crinkles, and faint hand sweat.  _ Gross. I haven’t been clinging to it that much, right? _ He carefully flattened it out to quadruple check.

_ Meet me on the roof tomorrow afterschool. _

This was definitely the roof, he had asked her about the note earlier today, and afterschool was.... half an hour ago?!?

_ How long have I been standing here?!? She’s gonna leave at this rate!  _

_ Is that really such a bad thing? If you leave now, maybe everything goes back to normal. Nothing has to change. _

_ Am I ok with that? _

Shintaro opened the rusty roof door, to be met with blinding light and a lone silhouette against the guard railing. Her signature scarf was fluttering in the wind, as she looked down on the school grounds. Hearing the unholy screech of the door hinges, she turned to face him.

“Shintaro, I was starting to think you wouldn’t come.” Her smile was perfect to a fault, but the tone of her voice didn’t match. Something about it seemed almost sad. 

_ Annoyed I could understand, but sad? Was she hoping I wouldn’t come? I guess that means it’s not a confession. Not that I was hoping it was a confession. But I mean the chance isn’t zero right? It could still happen! Not that I want it to! _

“Well, I did. You asked for me to come here, after all. Mind telling me why?” 

“Geez, there’s such a thing as too blunt, you know? Even I need some time to prepare.”

_ Hmm. Hmmmm. HMMMMM. _

_ “ _ Fine, I guess. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Whew. Okay. So, this is something I’ve been thinking for a while. Ever since I met you, I knew you were different. There was something about you that just made you special, to me, in a way that nobody else is. To me you could never be just like the rest.”

“Could you get to the point?”  _ BECAUSE MY HEART IS GOING TO EXPLODE _

“* **** ***”

*******************************************

_ I hate that nightmare so much. It’s been a fucking year already. Give it a break. _

Shintaro grabbed his phone from the nightstand. 3:07am, August 15th.

_ Guess I’m running on a couple hours’ sleep today. _

Hey Ayano

Do you remember last year

On the roof

What did you mean when you said that

Are we still like

You know

Friends?

_ This is stupid. It’s way too early for this. _

Delete all messages. Are you sure?  _ When am I ever? _ Yes.

What a shitty start to the day.

*******************************************

_ Surely it didn’t mean anything right? I mean, nothing changed since then. She seems pretty happy to pretend it didn’t happen.  _

“Hey Shintaro, it’s lunchtime, you should probably get up soon”

_ Maybe she doesn’t remember? No way, it was  _ way _ too deliberate. Why would you go out of your way to tell someone that though? _

“Not that it’s ok to sleep through classes either though! You missed everything! Really, even with your grades the teachers are gonna get mad you know?”

_ It has to be like, “I’ll hang out with you but don’t get any ideas”, right? Did she even like being around me in the first place? _

“Shintaro? Are you ok? Do you want me to call the nurse?”

“Ayano, are you two coming? What’s up with the jerk”

_ Fuck, I’m such an idiot. Why would anyone want to be around me in the first place? _

“Takane! Shintaro won’t wake up, I don’t know what to do”

“Don’t worry, I’m an expert. Leave it to me”

_ I never should have fallen in lo- _

“HEY ASSHOLE, QUIT SLEEPING”

The chair that Shintaro was sitting on mysteriously vanished, as he was shunted to the ground

“Ouch, what the fuck is your problem?!?”

_ When did Takane get here? And why was Ayano looking so anxious?  _

“Sleeping is my schtick, get your own. If you’re back in the land of the living, we’re gonna go eat.”

_ Did she always look this worried? When was the last time I saw her actually smile?  _

“Shintaro. Food. Yes. No. Answer me.”

“Huh? Oh, right, sure”

“Geez, get it together. Are you gonna be alright this afternoon?”

“I dunno, I’m still pretty sore about some jerk dumping me on the ground. But seriously, what’s happening?”

“It’s the 15th. Of August. You know, the day we all agreed to spend together. Did you hit your head when you fell?”

Ayano offered her hand out to Shintaro. “We can put it off if you’re not feeling up to it”

“I’m fine, seriously! Get off my case.” Shintaro gently slapped away her hand, pulling himself up by the windowsill. “I can take care of myself, I just didn’t get much sleep today. Whatever we’re doing, I can handle it.”

Takane and Ayano shared a look. __

_ What the hell does  _ that  _ mean?  _ “Look, are we gonna go eat or what?”

Takane let out a sigh. “Sure. C’mon, or all the good roof spots’ll be gone.”

Ayano’s lips remained pursed.

*********************************************

After school by the main gate, Shintaro was kicking at rocks, trying his best to ignore the furtive glances from Ayano.

_ God this is bad for my heart in every way. Where the heck are the other two, I’m not gonna survive at this rate _ .  _ I’ve gotta do something. _

“You got something you wanna say?”

_ Smooth, me. _

“Oh! No, nothing important. Just… are you really sure you’re ok? I know the others think today’s special because of my mom, but I know that… well, your dad…”

“Oh come on, how many times do I have to say it! I’m fine! Quit worrying about me! I’m not a charity case that you need to take care of!”

_ And stop looking so hurt! _

“I-I’ve never thought of you like that! I just, I know things can be tough, and I wanted to make sure-”

_ Does she seriously not remember? The fucking  _ nerve

“Then what was that all that about! Last year! On the roof!”

“Shintaro, I’m sorry I don’t know what you’re-”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know! Was it just that unimportant to you? Is looking down on me just your average fucking routine?!? Well guess what, I don’t need your fucking condolences, and I’ll be just fine without you! So just fuck off already!”

_ Please don’t leave. _

“You’re right, Shintaro. You’re stronger than I give you credit for. I know you’ll be fine when I’m gone.”

_ ‘When’? _

Ayano took off running, back towards the school building

“Ayano, wait!”

She didn’t turn back.

“Aaaaa, fuck!”

And he took off running after her.

******************************

Shintaro never stood a chance in a foot race, so all he could dow as search teh school. By sheer fluke, he managed to catch sight of her in the classroom, sitting at her usual desk. Crying.  _ You made her cry _ .

_ Look, we just need to fix this. We just need to talk it out, and I’m sure it’ll be fine? _

_ But _

_ Isn’t that what we thought on the roof? _

_ Nothing makes sense _

_ Don’t worry about that, just open the door. _

_ She’s crying, Shintaro, open the door. _

_ Just turn the handle _

_ It’s that easy _

_ But you might get hurt again. _

_ Are you ok with that? _

“Fuck!”

His hand fell away from the door, limp by his side

_ She’ll pretend that nothing happened and we’ll be back to normal tomorrow. Whatever the fuck normal even means anymore. _

Shintaro walked home alone, every glint of the setting sun a reminder of what he’d left behind.


	3. Transferred Meanings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot damn I love thinly veiled metaphors
> 
> Takane's part of the Yuukei Quartet Arc

Cyber_shoujo: omfg this lag

Cyber_shoujo: when are you gonna get a lan adapter

xX_JIN_Xx: When you stop making excuses

xX_JIN_Xx: Are you gonna rematch or what

Cyber_shoujo: oh that’s it punk it is ON

_ Cyber_shoujo wins! 6 wins 7 losses _

Cyber_shoujo: HAH

xX_JIN_Xx: Shut it

xX_JIN_Xx: I’m still in the lead

Cyber_shoujo: did the past ever really exist

Cyber_shoujo: can we know that anything ever really happened

Cyber_shoujo: other than me completely wiping the floor with you just now

xX_JIN_Xx: Wow, now you just sound desperate

xX_JIN_Xx: As much as I’d love to win some more

xX_JIN_Xx: It’s like 4am

Cyber_shoujo: and?

Cyber_shoujo: these are rookie hours

Cyber_shoujo: or are you trying not to worry ayano~

xX_JIN_Xx: Does everything have to be about her?

xX_JIN_Xx: Not everyone gets to sleep through all their classes, you know

Cyber_shoujo: wow sucks to be them

Cyber_shoujo: being not everyone is the best

xX_JIN_Xx: When do you even hang out with Haruka if you’re fucking nocturnal

Cyber_shoujo: in every relationship you must find compromise

Cyber_shoujo: and that’s why haruka is making the poor life decision to stay up late with me

Cyber_shoujo: that’s what true love is all about

xX_JIN_Xx: How dare you corrupt him

xX_JIN_Xx: He’s too good to live like us

xX_JIN_Xx: Alright new rules, if I win the next one we all go the fuck to sleep

xX_JIN_Xx: Haruka included

Cyber_shoujo: excuse you, how much i drag my boyfriend into the sleepless abyss is exactly none of your business

Cyber_shoujo: but also fight me you’re on

_ Cyber_shoujo wins! 7 wins 7 losses _

******

_ It’s not creepy right? We’re d-dating, right??? So it’s fine?????? _

Takane was perched on the edge of her desk, lining up the perfect shot of Haruka’s sleeping face; finger on the “take photo” button and her heart in a deadlock. He had been drowsy throughout all of today’s classes, occasionally dosing off for a second before startling awake, but when the final bell of the day rang his sleepiness finally won out.

_ He draws me all the time! It’s only fair!!! That I get to see him whenever I want to, too!!!!! _

_ But I usually know about it beforehand… _

_ He was sleepy because of me! It’s so romantic! This is practically fate! _

_ You won a video game and stayed up late, quit the spindoctoring! _

_ Come on, can you really imagine Haruka being angry at us over some photos?!?  _

_ Can you really imagine Haruka being angry at all?!? _

_ We’d be the only one to ever see an angry Haruka if it DID happen… _

_ Weren’t we supposed to be arguing? _

_ Screw that, we need pics! _

“Morning, Takane”

“aaAAAAAAA- I mean, ahem, morning, Haruka”

Haruka reached a hand over to place it on top of hers.  _ AAAAA IT’S AS WARM AS THE FUCKING SUN HOW DOES HE DO IT _

“Is everything alright? You seem a little red…”

“MMHMM, YEP, I’M FINE, HOW ABOUT YOU”

“Me? I’m great. I just had this fantastic dream…”, a smile spilled out across his face, before it was stifled by a yawn.

“Oh yeah? Was I in it~?”,  _ is this flirting, please tell me this is flirting _

“Yep! You and I were going on an adventure through an evil forest to find food”

“That sounds horrifying!”

“Hmm, maybe it should’ve been? But you were there!”

“Haruka, when you put it that way it almost sounds like you’re in love with me”,  _ really, brain? That’s the best you could come up with?!? _

“Hehe, I am, silly! You always say the strangest things.”  _ IT NEVER GETS OLD, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK LET IT GET OLD, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS  _ “Besides, you could easily beat up all the monsters that tried to attack us.”  _ Oh. Well then. _

“Yeah yeah, you know I’d beat up anyone for you. And I uh, love you too.”  _ DO YOU CALL THAT ROMANTIC? THAT WAS WEAK! WEAKMANTIC! _

Haruka let out a beaming smile, too dazzling to look at directly.  _ I swear he’s more incredibly every day. How does he do it? I need his secrets _

“And then, when we were finished we went home to our cottage to cook dinner”

“That cottage better have had an internet connection”

“I’m not sure? Everyone seemed happy there, at least”

“Wait, everyone?”

“Yeah! You, me, and the kids”

_ Oh. _

_ Kids, huh. _

“There was Konoha, he was quiet but really strong, he didn’t even cry once, and he had eyes just like yours! And then there was Ene running around the house all the time, with a mole just like mine. What a great dream~”

“Yeah, sounds great.” 

_ I wish it were possible.  _

_ I need to tell him, before he gets his hopes up _

“Hey Haruka…”

“Yeah?”

Takane glanced down at the hand, laid on top of hers. It felt so light, like it could disappear at any time.  _ What if he takes it away? _

“Nothing! Nothing, never mind.  _ Stupid. He’s gonna find out eventually. _

“Hey Takane, mind if I ask you something?”

“Hm? Yeah, sure.”

“Why has your phone been making shutter sounds for the past ten minutes?”

**********************

“Takane,Takane wake up! We’ve gotta get going, the others are waiting for us!”

“Mmmm, just five more minutes”  _ who knew desks made such a good pillow. I did. Aren’t I a genius? _

“You said that the last five times, I’m not falling for it again!”

“This time for sure though”  _ probably. Maybe. There is a chance _

“Oh, really? In that case… No! We can’t keep them waiting any longer! Today’s special!”

_ Sorry, Haruka, it’s just real hard to keep my eyes open right now _

Something soft and warm brushed the side of her cheek. It’s probably just some lips, whatever. Wait. Lips?

“Ha-Haruka?!? You can’t just kiss people out of nowhere?!? That’s illegal?!????”  _ MY POOR HEART ISN’T READY YOU CRIMINAL?!? _

“Takane, you’re finally awake! I’m sorry, but we really really need to go!”

_ Oh, that’s right. August 15th, they promised to spend it together. _

“It’s fine for today, let the other two have some privacy.”  _ and let me have some sleep _

“It’s not fine, we need to be there to help them!”

“They can help themselves, they’re younger than us but they’re not kids. Besides, some time alone might be good for them”

“Hmm, you might be right, but still…”

“Honestly, this would all be so much easier if Ayano just took the lead. Just think about how Shintaro feels, for a second. Poor brat must be terrified.”

“I think, Ayano is scared too. Scared of hurting him.”

“Why would she be scared? She’s not the one with everything to lose!”

“They both care, though… Both of them worry about losing the other. Even though she wants to support him it’s hard for her to understand”

“Well maybe she should try a little harder! If she really cares, then why is she pushing all of that labour on him?”

Haruka winced.  _ Wait, why is  _ Haruka  _ wincing? We’re talking about Ayano right? _

“M-Maybe you’re right… but even if she researches everything she can herself, only Shintaro can tell her what he’s feeling…”

“Well maybe she needs to let him know that. He can barely read the mood, let alone read minds.”

“That’s not true, I think you can read the mood just fine!”

“Me?”

_ What on earth has gotten into him, it’s like we’re not speaking in the same conversation... _

“N-Never mind! So, if  _ Ayano _ was gonna let  _ Shintaro _ know that she supports him, what should he- woops, she say?”

“I dunno, something like ‘I love you and will accept you no matter what’?”

“Ta-Takane! I love Shintaro!”

“What”

“I love him! All of him!”

“Haruka, are you- trying to break up with me?”

“No, I just- If there’s anything that Shintaro wants to tell me, I’m ready and will accept him no matter what!”

“I, uh… congrats? Maybe you should be telling Shintaro this?”

“Hm?”

“I mean I’m glad you two are getting along, but he’d be much happier to hear it”

“Haha, whoops, you’re absolutely right! I guess I was misunderstanding things! I’ll just leave now. Gotta go tell Shintaro how I feel.”

_ He usually smiles like the sun but that one was just bricks. Is he embarrassed? What has gotten into him? _

“Anyway, I’ll see you out there when you’re ready! Bye!”

“Yeah, sure, see you soon.”

_ What a weird talk. It’s like he meant something else the entire time. Like he had someone else in mind. But I don’t think there are any other trans students here? _

_ Oh _

_ Like us. _

_ ‘I love him! All of him!’ _

_ Oh. OH. _

“Haruka, wait!”


	4. Transcend The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst is my lifeblood and I make zero apologies
> 
> Shintaro & Ene, in one of the many terrible loops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (cw: suicidal ideation)

“Master, don’t you think this is enough? You’ve been reading way too much recently, do for a walk! Look outside a window for once! Hell, get back to playing video games!”

_ Why would I go outside. I tried that before. See how it turned out? _

Shintaro stared blankly at the face on the computer screen with puffy, bagged eyes, before rolling over in his bed.

“Aaa! Master, how could you be so rude~ Beautiful [Insert self talk-up] Ene is trying to cheer you up! Just! Like! This!”

Silence.  _ Did she finally give up? _

“Hmm? Huh? That’s strange, why isn’t it working… Ah! Master, you cut off your phone signal didn’t you! You’re so cold, if I had tear ducts I just might’ve cried~”

_ Of course, she would never quit. Well, if I keep this up I’m sure she’ll disappear too, soon enough. _

Shintaro pulled out his phone and opened up his messages. Nothing new, of course, but he already knew that. He was looking for something much older.

_ Has it really been that long? It’s getting harder to remember, but it still feels like yesterday. _

  
  


Ayano

15 August 2018

_ bunnies_243.jpg _

Why do you keep sending me these pictures

Where do you even find all these pets

Hehe, A True Journalist Never Reveals Their Sources!

And I Know You Save Them To Look At Between Classes

I’m Not Sure Why You Keep Pretending You Don’t Like Them

eXCuse me???

That’s an invasion of privacy!

How dare you!

Sorry, But It’s Kind Of Hard To Ignore When You’re Staring At Them All The Time!

Even Dad Has Noticed, He Keeps Asking Why You Have The Same Photos I Send Him

I can’t believe you set me up

I’m gonna get failed out of spite

Over pics of cute animals

Dad Would Never Do That!

Probably!

But You Really Should Go To Sleep Soon, It’s Already Past Midnight And Today’s A Big Day!

It’s barely 12:30, I’ll be fine

… is what I want to say, but I get the feeling it’s gonna be a long day

I also get the feeling I won’t get much sleep either way

Oh! Is That Because Of…

Nevermind!

I Hope You Can Get Some Rest, And I Can’t Wait To Play With Everyone Tomorrow

Good Night Shintaro!

Night, Ayano

16 August 2018

Ayano

Please

Tell me it’s a prank

You’re fine, right?

I’ve got your back, it’s fine to come to school

I can take care of whichever assholes are bullying you, the flower was too far

I’m not mad anymore, I promise

Ayano?

I’m so sorry

15 August 2019

Happy anniversary, Ayano!

I wonder how the others are doing

They vanished on me too, in case you didn’t know

Whatever they’re up to, they’re probably doing better than you

Hah

Or me

Fuck

Today

14 August 2020, 10:16pm

Hey Ayano

It’s almost been two years huh?

I’m sorry for leaving you alone

I wish I had the courage to ask what was wrong that day

I still don’t know anything about you

But don’t worry

I’m feeling brave today

_ Message failed _

  
  


“Maaaasteeeeer! Quit! Ignoring! Me!”

“Could you shut it, I’m in the middle of something”

“I’m sure your lack of friends can wait! I can’t! Let’s DO something! I’m getting bored of this stupid room!”

“Why didn’t you just say so? I can help with that.”

Shintaro got to his feet, wavering slightly as the sleep deprivation tried to drag him back down.

“You know, you’ve been worried about me for so long”

He walked towards the computer desk, step by slow step.

“All of your stupid pranks, and messing with me, I know it was you trying to help.”

He gave the screen a heart-chilling smile, filled with malice.

“But if you really knew me”

He picked up a pair of scissors from the sprawls of trash-

“You’d know I’m not worth saving.”

“Master, wait-”

And stabbed the monitor, right between her eyes. 

Her look of shock was frozen on the shattered screen, distorted and fragmented.

“You don’t need to pretend to care anymore.”

Shintaro pulled the scissors from the screen and clutched them to his chest, as he sank to the floor.

“It’s ok, we’re nearly there. A couple more hours. Then we don’t have to struggle any more. Then we can go see Ayano.”

_ I wonder if she’d tell me not to. I guess she lost that right when she did it herself. _

****************************

Shintaro stood in front of the rusty door to the school roof, letter clutched in his hand. As he opened the door, he saw a lone silhouette in a red scarf; standing on the opposite side of the guard rail, leaning precariously over the abyss.

““Shintaro, I was starting to think you wouldn’t come.”  _ I feel like I’ve heard this before. _

“Well, I did. You asked for me to come here, after all. Mind telling me why?”  _ Don’t ask that, you don’t want to know. _

“Geez, there’s such a thing as too blunt, you know? Even I need some time to prepare.”  _ Take that time and run. _

_ “ _ Fine, I guess. Whenever you’re ready.”  _ You don’t want to hear this! Trust me! _

“Whew. Okay. So, this is something I’ve been thinking for a while. Ever since I met you, I knew you were different. There was something about you that just made you special, to me, in a way that nobody else is. To me you could never be just like the rest.”  _ You were an idiot for thinking this could mean anything good! _

“Could you get to the point?”

“I pity you”

“Excuse me?”

“I pity you, Shintaro. You’re different, and special, because you’ll never be normal. You’ll never be what you want to be, no matter how hard you struggle. Everyone knows it, and I’m sure you do too. I’m sure it’s tough, but don’t worry, I’ll be your friend. I figure that’s the least I can do to help. I wanted to let you know that I’ll be here, as long as you need me.”

She’s still smiling, so perfectly

_ It makes me sick _ .

*******************************

15 August 2020, 2:04 am

_ What a fitting fucking nightmare, right before the end. I’m such an idiot. Even after all the things she said, I still love her. And here I thought I was the smart one. _

“At least that’s the last time I have to see it”

_ Exactly two years. How poetic. _

Shintaro raised the scissors above his neck. A loud thump resounded throughout the house. Several more followed.  _ Of all the times for Momo to practice her fucking dance routine. _

There was a loud ‘crack’ as the door to his room splintered open, and before Shintaro knew what was happening he caught a knee to the face

“OW, WHAT THE FUCK?!?”

“THAT’S FOR STABBING ME, ASSHOLE”

A lanky girl in pigtails knelt over him as he lay sprawled on the ground, pinning both of his hands to the floor. If her regular glare was a blizzard, then her eyes now were an inferno.  _ I’ve never seen her this angry before. _

“Wait, Takane? You’re- But you-”

“That’s right fucker, I’m still around! I’m still around so you have to be too! I won’t let you ditch me that easily!”

“Why do you even care! I’ll never live up to what anyone expects of me, I’ll never be normal!”

“I care because you’re my fucking friend! Who gives a fuck if you’re a disappointment, or if you never fit in! That’s how we all found each other in the first place! I loved Haruka, I loved Ayano, and I love you too, asshole! None of us are normal, and I love us all anyway! So love your weird fucking self too!“

  
  


“I tried! I really tried! But Ayano-”

“Fuck Ayano! She left us behind, we’re what’s left now. We’re what matters. You don’t need her approval to fucking exist. So please, just let go.” 

Takane’s grip tightened on his wrists, as she eyed the scissors he still clutched in his grip.

_ She’s lost muscle. I can still move my hand. _

_ The scissors are still in my hand. _

_ I can still end this. _

_ Am I ok with that? _

“Fuck”

The scissors dropped to the floor, as Shintaro pulled Takane into a hug.

“FUCK”

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, you made the right choice. Thank you”

“No it’s fucking not ok, it never has been.”

“Alright fine, jerk, but it will be one day, I promise”

“Yeah. I think you might be right.”


End file.
